Behind my desire to do it all... is grief & fear around (not) being enough

Feb 26, 2025

Well, shit.

Realizing this and writing about it really echos through my gut - in the type of way when your heart drops down heavy into it.

…like I finally surrendered to the wisdom of it enough to feel that discomfort that has so much to teach me… but it’s hard to face.

That constant restlessness, that resistance to slow down…

That desire to read all the things, uplift all the movements, create trauma healing tools that reach everyone…

There is an understanding that this is unrealistic.

And, in capital-colonialism, that knowing is buried beneath all the doing, ‘fixing’, trying that they say precedes our humanity & worthiness.

Somewhere special I was lucky enough to stay with this view…

When I accept & feel into how time in this body is finite, how my hands can only do so much, how my heart can only hold so much, and my mind can only witness so much… my capacity feels grief-full.

I feel confined by the expectation of my body to function as a machine for doing instead of being and experiencing.

But beyond that grief – that holds the fear that I’m not enough, that this finite lifetime is short and it’s “all I’ve got” – is a dirt-deep purpose that gratefully accepts my biological capacity as a vessel for sustainable output and intentional input.

That grief they want us to bypass, that we’ve internalized as a flaw, is a gateway to remembering that my ‘limitations’ are really just connection points to our sacred interdependence.

I am not meant to do/see/know it all. And I am certainly not meant to “fix” anything… but rather be in relationship to what I can do for/with a person/cause/place.

When I accept this, I can sigh deep relief, and focus on my role(s). This then allows space to reunite with the whole – with the squirrels who are planting trees alongside us, with my friends & comrades who share resources I couldn’t access on my own, with the sun who grows and sustains us…

Surrendering my doership to a larger network allows me to actually be a functional part of that web instead of staying stuck in choosing, resisting or exhausting.

Doing what I can = being enough.

Enoughness is something I can only feel when I allow the gravity of grief - for my limitations, the state of the world, etc. - to integrate its knowing into my being.

Today I am grateful for grief. Because it reminds me that I am whole, and that we are not alone.

Thanks for being here alongside me,

Rachael Amber

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More on enougness…